Top 4 Things I Wish My Son Would UNlearn from Kindergarten

Friday’s “What the frak…?” moment (WTFM) is brought to you by……….When the world makes you say... "What the frak?!"

Kindergarten: They claim it’s to help your child learn to socialize, but in reality it is a secret communist/Bin Laden/far right government/far left government/religious /those who hate paying taxes to schools because they don’t have kids/canine/feline/atheist/diabolical  plot designed to destroy the educational system by ensuring your child learns the most annoying behavior imaginable to torture both teachers and parents.

“Kindergarten is about learning social skills.”

Talk to any kindergarten teacher or administrator about what your child will learn in what they now dub “the new first grade” and these words will emerge from their lips.

At first, I thought this was brilliant. A way to teach my son the “proper” way to behave when around children his age.

Three months later, and a part of me wishes I’d homeschooled.

My son took it upon himself to acquire and mimic just about every existing bad behavior among five-year-olds.

None of which he did prior to entering kindergarten.

I should not be surprised. He is the experimenter. The child who wants to test anything. At age three, he would purposefully choose every wrong answer in an iPod app before choosing the correct one. Just to see what happens.

His peers and teacher are his new experimental group.

The bad behaviors you never wanted your child to learn.

Annoying behavior #1: The Kisser

My son likes his personal space, but for some reason he cannot fathom why other people do. After two weeks of school, reports from his teacher began to show an unexpected trend.

He wouldn’t stop kissing people. Boy. Girl. Wanted or unwanted. He had transformed into That Boy Who Tries to Kiss Everybody.

I remember a child who did the same when I was in grade school.

And now, my son joins the ranks, although the reports of this behavior have dwindled in recent weeks.

Annoying behavior #2: The Taunter

I’m seven again and I can hear it from across the play ground.

“Na-na-na-boo-boo! You can’t catch me.”

Thirty years and nine hundred miles later, my son has not only heard it, but in his true parroting fashion, finds it hilarious to repeat.

Annoying behavior #3: Anything Exiting from Your Bottom is Hilarious

Gas. Excrement.

Funniest things on the plant.

Combining them with other nouns to form such words like “poopyhead” is even funnier.

I am told this is a boy thing.

While it did exist in a minor form before kindergarten, the prevalence has increase exponentially.

Annoying behavior #4: ???

I want to tell you.

I do.

But I can’t.

The husband said no.

It is a single incident too, so that’s good.

Still, NEVER happened before kindergarten and true to just about everything my son does: someone else did it first.

My husband and I have always said,

“The Tackler doesn’t need a pattern, only precedence.”

I’m sure somewhere in there, he must be learning something positive. I mean the law of averages has to kick in somewhere. I just don’t hear about those. Right?

The only evidence I witness is the rare day he comes home in the color blue and tells me, “[Lists off names of three friends] got into blue today, so I told my brain to listen.”

So maybe there’s hope.

I have a feeling just about every annoying behavior will have to be tested and tried in the process.

It’s the only scientific thing to do.

* * *

What is the most annoying/scary/hilarious thing either you or your child learned from another?

About Kelly K @ Dances with Chaos

Kelly K has learned the five steps to surviving of motherhood: 1) Don't get mad. Grab your camera. 2) Take a photograph. 3) Blog about it. 4) Laugh. 5) Repeat. She shares these tales at Dances with Chaos in order to preserve what tiny amount of sanity remains. You can also find her on her sister blog, Writing with Chaos ( sharing memoir and engaging in her true love: fiction writing. It's cheaper than therapy.
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12 Responses to Top 4 Things I Wish My Son Would UNlearn from Kindergarten

  1. I just block it all out and am thankful someone else is teaching my kids too. 😛

  2. Annie says:

    This made me chuckle. I think kindergarten is when my kids started finding the word “fart” to be the most funny word on the planet. Oh, and “shaking your booty” ranks high among the funniest gestures ever.

    I have to tell you though – a couple of my best friends homeschool and their kids learned the same things. It must float on the air like a virus. 😉

  3. bocafrau says:

    I can’t think of anything specific that my children learned from school except that my middle daughter tends to fall into the valley girl speak. It drives my husband insane!!! 🙂

  4. Oh, goodness! Don’t get me started. There is more than one reason I am homeschooling . . .


  5. Deborah the Closet Monster says:

    My son hasn’t reached kindergarten yet, but he did learn the ever-so-fabulous “throwing” and “biting” methods to obtaining one’s way from a three-year-old at daycare when he’d just turned two. He seems to have grown out of these, but I know better than to think new bad habits aren’t on the way . . . !

  6. Liz McLennan says:

    Oh, Mama. The good news is that this post cracked me right up.
    The bad news? The hilarity of poop and pee and toots and other bodily stuff doesn’t go away. Ever.

    It’s why I drink, late at night.

  7. Azara says:

    Oh dear. My daughter’s in daycare so I don’t expect a big change when she goes to kindergarten, but who knows? Actually, I think it’s more likely she’ll be getting into original trouble and other kids will be imitating her.

    Now I’m really curious about the fourth thing!

  8. Ai says:

    I don’t have children, but I was old enough to watch my little brother go through all of these too. Not looking good for a gene pool :S but this did give me a smile. Thank you for sharing ^_^

  9. My husband still laughs about poop and farts. It is ridiculous. Apparently, that never goes away. Boys are so dumb. 😉

  10. John says:

    Oh, I am dying to know what #4 is. Truly, I am.

    If it helps (or, more likely, helps to explain), I still think farts are funny. But, as I’m potty training, poop is far less hilarious than it was, say, 3 years ago.

    My sister was the “kiss everybody” person. She turned out ok.

    And I’d argue that the “told my brain to listen” is a bigger step forward than anything you mention being a step backward . . . even if, well, they’re highly annoying steps backward.

  11. Pingback: Teaching Kindergartners to “Blame the Victim” | Dances with Chaos

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