Things I Never Thought I’d Say – Then I Became a Parent

Friday’s “What the frak…?” moment (WTFM) is brought to you by………. 

Things you never thought you’d say…. then you became a parent: You used to be normal. Then you procreated (or adopted: a child or an animal “baby”). Suddenly the strangest threats and phrases spew from your mouth.

I was browsing my facebook feed the other day, when a friend’s status made me spit out my milk, or would have if I’d been drinking milk at the time.

Words I actually just said: “There will be BIG consequences if I hear one more word about baboon privates.” – Amy Stevens

It inspired me to conduct a scientific poll (i.e. ask on facebook and twitter) for other statements you never imagined would ever spring from your lips.

I immediately found a reoccurring theme.

They most often revolved around a child’s, a parent’s, or an animal’s private regions and what should be done or more often, not done, to said region.

Do Not Do Unto Yourself

“Please stop slapping your vagina.” – Leigh Ann

“Stop playing with your foreskin, it is not an elephant trunk! ” – Letty

“Stop touching your penis at the table.” – Priscilla

“Don’t play with your penis at the dinner table.” – @Susanography

“Get your hand out of your pants when you’re eating.” – Priscilla

“You don’t tickle your vagina at school, honey.” –Marla

‎”Please let go of them – they will not fall out.” – Nicole J.

“Stop rubbing your balls. Stop rubbing your pee-pee. Just go to your room.” – Angela L.

“If you’re gonna keep doing that, go to the bathroom.” – @CarrieCrain

“Get that train off your penis.” – Leanne Shirtliffe

Do Not Do Unto A Sibling or Parent

“Don’t lick cheese off your sister’s butt!” –Evin

“Get your vagina off your sister’s face and put your diaper back on. I don’t care if she likes it, do it now.” – Evin

“Don’t lick your brother.” – Lisa Adams

“Do not climb on top of your sister when you’re naked.” – Me

“Don’t pull out my boob here.” – Megan O.

Do Not Do Unto Animals

“Quit licking the dog” – Jenn L.

“We don’t lick the dog.” – Danielle Jefferson

“We don’t eat the kitty’s tail.” – Me

“Leave the dog’s butt alone.” – Jana M.

“Get your foot off his (the dog’s) balls.” – Nicole J.

“Please don’t poke the kitty’s butt.” – Me

“Don’t throw the kitten away! Don’t put him in the fridge either.” – Michelle

“Hey, let’s NOT suck on the cat’s ear…” – Stephanie Cottrell

“We do not stand on the dog.” – Rebekah Costello

That is Not a Food Group

"Stop drinking Starbucks out if the trash!!!" - Evin

“At least those wood chips you’re chewing on are organic.” – Megan O.

“Stop drinking your bath water.” – Jared Hollier

“We don’t put balls in our mouth.” – Me

“Don’t put your diaper in your mouth!” – Jenn L.

“Stop drinking Starbucks out if the trash!!!” – Evin

“Don’t feed your baby brother to the alligators.” – Evin’s grandmother

The Truth About Potty Training

“Bend over so I can wipe your butt.”  – Trish

‎”Put your boxers on the right way, the hole is not to poop out of.” – Nicole J.

“No, you cannot got to the bathroom there (backyard)!” – Whitney

“Your poop does look like a seahorse.” – Nicole J.

The Things You Swore You’d Never Say

“Because I said so.” – Priscilla@susanography, & almost every parent in existence

“Life’s not fair!” – Lisa

The Double Entendre

How many Woody's do you see?

“Where’s your Woody?” – Rama

“Wash your weinie cake.” – Lisa

“Stop eating your Woody.” -Me

“It’s her turn to play with your monkey.” – Me

You’ll Poke Your Eye Out

‎”If you’re going to play hockey in the living room, you need to wear shin pads.” – Liz

“If you’re going to go down the slide on your skateboards, you’d best wear helmets.” – Liz

From the Pet Parents

“Smokey, if you can figure out how to open the door all by yourself, I guess then you can go outside any time you choose because if you can figure the door out, you have proved to be a feline of unusual intelligence.” – Diane

“Stop humping my Kate Spade purse!” – Corrin

Don’t Play With Your Food… or the Dog’s

“Stop putting jam in your sister’s ears.” – Corrin

“Please don’t stuff your toast in my pants. If you’re done, put it in the trash.” – Evin

“We’re in the ER…yeah…they just pulled out a piece of the dog’s rawhide bone out of his nose.” – Angela L.

Observations You Never Thought You’d Make

“No, son, I will not look at the bug bite on your balls. I don’t care how cool it is.” – Evin

“Does her vagina look different?” – Evin

This is but a small sample, compiled of things said just within the last few days by my friends and followers.

What phrase has been uttered from your mouth lately or years ago….. that you never thought you’d say? Please add it to the comments.

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About Kelly K @ Dances with Chaos

Kelly K has learned the five steps to surviving of motherhood: 1) Don't get mad. Grab your camera. 2) Take a photograph. 3) Blog about it. 4) Laugh. 5) Repeat. She shares these tales at Dances with Chaos in order to preserve what tiny amount of sanity remains. You can also find her on her sister blog, Writing with Chaos (www.writingwithchaos.com) sharing memoir and engaging in her true love: fiction writing. It's cheaper than therapy.
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52 Responses to Things I Never Thought I’d Say – Then I Became a Parent

  1. genieinablog says:

    Hilarious. The double entendre reminds me of when Christian put a Toy Story Woody tattoo on his arm, and Claire walked up and yelled, “Daddy! You got a Woody!”

  2. “No touching other people’s penises.” and “Yes of course I want to see your poo.”

  3. RJ says:

    My son is at the age where every boo-boo needs a kiss before he can continue playing. Apparently yesterday he hurt his penis (or some body part near there) which led to this statement by my husband: I’m not going to kiss your penis!

    Ah, kids!

  4. thealaskan says:

    A common phrase we say in our household to our female dog (Reba) regarding her behavior to her brother (Porter): “Stop humping your brother!”

  5. corrin says:

    The world balls is always funny.

  6. kdevries says:

    Love it! I may have to reboot this one for my motherhood series!

  7. Kate says:

    crying my eyeballs out this is so funny. thank you.

  8. “Everybody has a butt.” That came after my 3yo informed me, “Girls have a bagina, boys have a butt.” Of course, then I got to explain to her what boys do have…

  9. Nicole says:

    It was all just as funny the first time I read it! “it’s her turn to play with your woody” AWESOME!

  10. Kerry says:

    “Don’t lick the cat’s butt.”

  11. janeggg says:

    oh that’s hilarious!!

  12. Terry says:

    Thanks for the smiles. I am sitting here waiting for my daughter to go into labor (just 5 days late) and imagining what kinds of nuggets she can collect! I needed a laugh!

  13. wahzat gayle says:

    OMG my sides hurt! I laughed out loud, so many times.
    Unfortunately I have said quite a few of those statements too many times to mentions. What’s with the slapping of the vagina makes me wonder if I did it to myself at that age (my twins are almost 3)
    Strangely enough I found myself telling my son to “stop eating your salad! and eat your food!” Who does that LOL
    Hilarious thanks for the laugh and loud guffaws. Enjoy your weekend

  14. Very funny. I think it’s great to note that parents are finally using proper words with their children, as evidenced by the first section, and second, that sometimes even the best of parents just have to go with the next best thing – the wear helmets when skateboarding down the slide section. 🙂

    • Yes, we use correct terms in our house, as do the majority of my friends. I have no idea why people started making up funny names for the various parts in the first place.

      And how those words gets used…

      The second part cracked me up. I have said “If you’re going to jump and tackle each other, please go onto the carpet instead of the tile.” – but have yet to graduate to the skateboard phase.

  15. This was hilarious… I’ve uttered one or two of these myself!!! Can’t think of anything I said lately that I haven’t before becoming a parent.

    • I’ve noticed these moments often evaporate in the face of Mommy brain – it either has to have been said frequently, or recently – or our heads convince us we could not have possibly said such things.

      Glad you enjoyed it!

  16. Rob Rubin says:

    I’m kind of immune to parenting humor these days, but I have to say, I nearly lost a spleen on this one. And you should probably win an award for the most use of the words “penis” and “vagina” in a non-pornographic film or magazine. Bravo.

  17. lexy3587 says:

    My parents had to (when I was very young, not recently, lol) say: “Spit out the worm! how many have you eaten already?” … clearly i was just destined to be survivor-woman?
    Since getting a dog, i’ve said “Stop rolling in the Beaver!” (because that one worked…), “You don’t have balls! and that’s a boy!”, and “Good boy, you’re pooping!” while in public places, of course…
    Your post was hilarious!

  18. Jennifer Worrell says:

    I loved every word! I laughed like crazy over all the penis and vagina references! Hilarious and Tweet-worthy!

  19. Kate says:

    Reblogged this on kateschannel and commented:
    From one of my fave blogs on parenting. I thought this would give you some chuckles while breaking from your Sunday routines today. Enjoy!

  20. These are awesome. I remember seeing the post on Twitter looking for things we never thought we’d say to our kids and thinking, “I have a MILLION of those!” Then I couldn’t think of a single one. Thanks to my mommy brain!

    • I had the exact same problem – until I started reading them and went “OH that’s right! I’ve said that too!”

      You really have to write them down in the moment or they are lost to Mommy Brain. Feel free to add as they occur. 🙂

  21. Awesome Kel! I guess you missed my Facebook status the other day. Tech said, “My nuts are in your crack.” He’s spilled trailmix in the space between the seats in the car. 😉

    • I did miss that!

      Of course, his phrase would fit better on the “Things I Never Thought My Child Would Say” list, but it is no less hilarious.

      It’s okay. I know you’re still probably sleep deprived from the south NY smokers and your least relaxing vacation ever. (HUGS)

  22. I just said to my 2½ year old daughter whom I am breastfeeding “I’m not going to sit here with my boobs hanging out so you can play connect the dots with my freckles”

  23. Since I am apparently late to this comment party (and dying of laughter) I have to know:

    Did you get any weird Google search results from this post?

    I’ve never seen so many hilarious vagina references in one place.

    • I find a lot of the search terms are hidden now, because if you google while logged into google, it shows up under “other” but you can’t see the phrases.

      I now need to go and check to see if an odd increase in weird searches has occurred.

      Glad to give you a giggle.

  24. I’ve fallen behind in my reading of late, but this was a great post. Thanks for the laughs.

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