Things you never thought you’d say…. then you became a parent: You used to be normal. Then you procreated (or adopted: a child or an animal “baby”). Suddenly the strangest threats and phrases spew from your mouth.
I was browsing my facebook feed the other day, when a friend’s status made me spit out my milk, or would have if I’d been drinking milk at the time.
Words I actually just said: “There will be BIG consequences if I hear one more word about baboon privates.” – Amy Stevens
It inspired me to conduct a scientific poll (i.e. ask on facebook and twitter) for other statements you never imagined would ever spring from your lips.
I immediately found a reoccurring theme.
They most often revolved around a child’s, a parent’s, or an animal’s private regions and what should be done or more often, not done, to said region.
Do Not Do Unto Yourself
“Please stop slapping your vagina.” – Leigh Ann
“Stop playing with your foreskin, it is not an elephant trunk! ” – Letty
“Stop touching your penis at the table.” – Priscilla
“Don’t play with your penis at the dinner table.” – @Susanography
“Get your hand out of your pants when you’re eating.” – Priscilla
“You don’t tickle your vagina at school, honey.” –Marla
”Please let go of them – they will not fall out.” – Nicole J.
“Stop rubbing your balls. Stop rubbing your pee-pee. Just go to your room.” – Angela L.
“If you’re gonna keep doing that, go to the bathroom.” – @CarrieCrain
“Get that train off your penis.” – Leanne Shirtliffe
Do Not Do Unto A Sibling or Parent
“Don’t lick cheese off your sister’s butt!” –Evin
“Get your vagina off your sister’s face and put your diaper back on. I don’t care if she likes it, do it now.” – Evin
“Don’t lick your brother.” – Lisa Adams
“Do not climb on top of your sister when you’re naked.” – Me
“Don’t pull out my boob here.” – Megan O.
Do Not Do Unto Animals
“Quit licking the dog” – Jenn L.
“We don’t lick the dog.” – Danielle Jefferson
“We don’t eat the kitty’s tail.” – Me
“Leave the dog’s butt alone.” – Jana M.
“Get your foot off his (the dog’s) balls.” – Nicole J.
“Please don’t poke the kitty’s butt.” – Me
“Don’t throw the kitten away! Don’t put him in the fridge either.” – Michelle
“Hey, let’s NOT suck on the cat’s ear…” – Stephanie Cottrell
“We do not stand on the dog.” – Rebekah Costello
That is Not a Food Group
“At least those wood chips you’re chewing on are organic.” – Megan O.
“Stop drinking your bath water.” – Jared Hollier
“We don’t put balls in our mouth.” – Me
“Don’t put your diaper in your mouth!” – Jenn L.
“Stop drinking Starbucks out if the trash!!!” – Evin
“Don’t feed your baby brother to the alligators.” – Evin’s grandmother
The Truth About Potty Training
“Bend over so I can wipe your butt.” – Trish
”Put your boxers on the right way, the hole is not to poop out of.” – Nicole J.
“No, you cannot got to the bathroom there (backyard)!” – Whitney
“Your poop does look like a seahorse.” – Nicole J.
The Things You Swore You’d Never Say
“Life’s not fair!” – Lisa
The Double Entendre
“Where’s your Woody?” – Rama
“Wash your weinie cake.” – Lisa
“Stop eating your Woody.” -Me
“It’s her turn to play with your monkey.” – Me
You’ll Poke Your Eye Out
”If you’re going to play hockey in the living room, you need to wear shin pads.” – Liz
“If you’re going to go down the slide on your skateboards, you’d best wear helmets.” – Liz
From the Pet Parents
“Smokey, if you can figure out how to open the door all by yourself, I guess then you can go outside any time you choose because if you can figure the door out, you have proved to be a feline of unusual intelligence.” – Diane
“Stop humping my Kate Spade purse!” – Corrin
Don’t Play With Your Food… or the Dog’s
“Stop putting jam in your sister’s ears.” – Corrin
“Please don’t stuff your toast in my pants. If you’re done, put it in the trash.” – Evin
“We’re in the ER…yeah…they just pulled out a piece of the dog’s rawhide bone out of his nose.” – Angela L.
Observations You Never Thought You’d Make
“No, son, I will not look at the bug bite on your balls. I don’t care how cool it is.” – Evin
“Does her vagina look different?” – Evin
This is but a small sample, compiled of things said just within the last few days by my friends and followers.
What phrase has been uttered from your mouth lately or years ago….. that you never thought you’d say? Please add it to the comments.