Desperately Seeking Quietus Spell

I wish I was a wizard.

No one has invented a mute button for children (although arguments could be made that iPods and cell phones can have a quieting effect… until you take them away and the child melts down) and I find myself in need of one… well, every day.

I’ve suffered more hearing loss from my kids than when I stood front row at Metallica concert.

The secret to their cacophony is The Sibling Effect. It goes something like.

1) Child A (most often The Tackler) shrieks or yells with a smile.

2) Child B (most often Lil Diva) mimics their much adored sibling, but has to one-up them in volume.

3) Child A repeats ear piercing noise louder and faster as Child B reciprocates, until their voices blend in an octave human ears should never be exposed to.

4) If any other children exist, they will also join…. thankfully we don’t have child C, D, or other letter.

It is why I need a quietus spell. Soon.

Before I’m deaf.

The kids loved their Santa hats.

Sure.. they look quiet here, but I guarantee you their volume was not.

The only times my children are silent are when they discover forbidden “fruits”.

Like toilet paper.

Or my workout bag containing the only makeup I wear… and I’m gone while my husband entertains the kids by playing a video game…. only Lil Diva gets into the bag and the makeup…. and even though she is four feet away from my husband he does not turn his head to look… because she is quiet.

Yeah, that happened Tuesday night.

And CG didn’t believe me when I told him the cost to replace the makeup.

He can be such a guy.

Obviously, CG is not currently worthy of the quietus spell – the silence should have put all his senses on alert.

But after Wednesday, I think The Tackler would appreciate such a spell. Not for him. For babies.

Bobbi was over baby-sitting a six-month-old determined to exercise his lungs – pissed off at offers of formula and solids when all he wanted was fresh, from the tap milk.

“NOT AGAIN! Mommy, I want him to stop crying… RIGHT. NOW!”

“He can’t help it sweetie. His mommy is with doctors right now having her back fixed and he misses her. And he’s getting new teeth and they hurt.”

“He’s too loud. It hurts my ears.”

“This is why Mommy tells you to use your inside voice – when you yell you hurt my head too.”

The Tackler plugged his ears, ran upstairs, and shut his door.

Most likely not hearing a word over the wailing.

Lil Diva just wanted to pet the baby. And reclaim my lap as hers, just in case the baby had any mommy stealing ideas.

What I found truly odd was: The Tackler is never that distressed when his sister is inconsolable. In fact, he often pushes her buttons to piss her off and seems to revel in her shrieks very loud protests.

But the baby? The Tackler couldn’t stand it.

So if anyone knows how to get the quietus spell to work…

Harry Potter magic would be very useful with children...

"Go ahead. Screech again. We dare you."

Or a mutus offspringus?

Or a sleepus uninterruptus?

Or a organizus houseus?

I’m willing to pay.

* * *

What spell do you wish you had?

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About Kelly K @ Dances with Chaos

Kelly K has learned the five steps to surviving of motherhood: 1) Don't get mad. Grab your camera. 2) Take a photograph. 3) Blog about it. 4) Laugh. 5) Repeat. She shares these tales at Dances with Chaos in order to preserve what tiny amount of sanity remains. You can also find her on her sister blog, Writing with Chaos (www.writingwithchaos.com) sharing memoir and engaging in her true love: fiction writing. It's cheaper than therapy.
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22 Responses to Desperately Seeking Quietus Spell

  1. My favorite kind of kid. I love silent kids, there’s just so few of them.

  2. John says:

    The other day, while waiting to check out at the grocery store, my kids decided to hold an “annoying noise” contest.

    I can’t think of any reason for this, aside from that it seemed like a good idea at the time. Or they were bored. Or I needed more eyes on me, as I pulled a wagon around a supermarket.

    However, my kids are a little bit defective . . . whenever they do something new, there is an excited noise they make that even the most pretend deaf person can hear. This means if you left a baby gate down, and a kid got to the other side . . . it’s there.

    The only thing I worry about is that both of the kids are really getting used to coloring, and while we always try to monitor the coloring, it’s an activity that doesn’t really have a great amount of excitement to it, like it once had. Which means, if they take “coloring on the walls” as a standard mutation to their regular practice, well, that joyful squeak might not let anyone on to the fact that the walls are about to be covered in crayon & marker.

  3. Kate says:

    The spell I wish I had … is the one to rule them all: quietus, listentous, and obeyus.

  4. Sparky says:

    Ohhh I would so pay a lot for organizuz houseus…

  5. Sparky says:

    …apparently my typing skills are still asleep…I just noticed the excessive use of ZZZzzzzz….

  6. hanelene says:

    OOOHH How about pregnacus completus. I could use that right about now. Oh, wait, that means caring for a newborn. Never mind.
    I like obeyus though. Although I suspect two year olds would have dragon hide resistance to that one.

    • While that one would not help me now, I did have a great wish for it when my son was four days late and my daughter’s third trimester was during the hottest Texas summer on record (she was only six days early).

      I even wanted it to end and begin the newborn phase, because by that point I was sleeping like i had a newborn anyway and I just wanted to start the newborn phase so i could move forward to the day I would eventually sleep again. 🙂

      I’m pretty sure my daughter has a natural resistance to that one. I’d forgotten how lovely the age of two can be for obeyus.

  7. Bobbi says:

    All we really needed yesterday was a stomachus fullus.

  8. Annie says:

    Well, I’m sorry to say – I’ve been a mom for 14 years (all of which contained a toddler and/or baby)and I can still hear. Unfortunately or fortunately. Not sure which. LOL

    I did daycare for a newborn a couple of years ago and my then 3-year-old was SO disturbed when the baby cried. I think he thought I should just “fix it” and I couldn’t. But when his own baby brother arrived a few months later, he didn’t seem bothered by THAT crying. Weird children. 😉

  9. tuesday2 says:

    It’s not so much the ‘noise’ that gets to me, it’s more my inability to tune it out 😀

    I teach kindergarten in a room with 26 5yr olds. Right, there is no quiet time.

    I have, however, come to appreciate that joyus noise.

    And, I go home to a quiet, empty nest at the end of the day.

    Balanced living!

    • I normally possess an excellent audio filter – my husband does not comprehend how it works.

      It is the days it is broken and/or I have a headache where the spell is not only wanted, but a near necessity to avoid losing it.

      There is no quiet home for me to go too.. It sounds heavenly.

  10. Great post, Kel. I’ll take a Finishus Manuscriptus please. 😉

    • It’s funny, because I don’t think I’d want that one. I’d want Stopus Timeus to get time to write and then Automaticus Editus to skip the painfully long editing process. But I’d still want the joy of actually writing it.

      Does that make me weird?

  11. Katie says:

    Little Man’s been in a whiny mood lately — been driving me up the wall! I would certainly take that spell.

    • The whining paired with the dramatic temper tantrum is a frequent occurrence w/ Lil Diva lately. How had I forgotten the this about The Twos?

      The Tackler also whines into a mini-meltdown when things don’t go his way. The most common cause: not meeting his quest for perfectionism in creating things.

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