I wish I was a wizard.
No one has invented a mute button for children (although arguments could be made that iPods and cell phones can have a quieting effect… until you take them away and the child melts down) and I find myself in need of one… well, every day.
I’ve suffered more hearing loss from my kids than when I stood front row at Metallica concert.
The secret to their cacophony is The Sibling Effect. It goes something like.
1) Child A (most often The Tackler) shrieks or yells with a smile.
2) Child B (most often Lil Diva) mimics their much adored sibling, but has to one-up them in volume.
3) Child A repeats ear piercing noise louder and faster as Child B reciprocates, until their voices blend in an octave human ears should never be exposed to.
4) If any other children exist, they will also join…. thankfully we don’t have child C, D, or other letter.
It is why I need a quietus spell. Soon.
Before I’m deaf.
The only times my children are silent are when they discover forbidden “fruits”.
Like toilet paper.
Or my workout bag containing the only makeup I wear… and I’m gone while my husband entertains the kids by playing a video game…. only Lil Diva gets into the bag and the makeup…. and even though she is four feet away from my husband he does not turn his head to look… because she is quiet.
Yeah, that happened Tuesday night.
And CG didn’t believe me when I told him the cost to replace the makeup.
He can be such a guy.
Obviously, CG is not currently worthy of the quietus spell – the silence should have put all his senses on alert.
But after Wednesday, I think The Tackler would appreciate such a spell. Not for him. For babies.
Bobbi was over baby-sitting a six-month-old determined to exercise his lungs – pissed off at offers of formula and solids when all he wanted was fresh, from the tap milk.
“NOT AGAIN! Mommy, I want him to stop crying… RIGHT. NOW!”
“He can’t help it sweetie. His mommy is with doctors right now having her back fixed and he misses her. And he’s getting new teeth and they hurt.”
“He’s too loud. It hurts my ears.”
“This is why Mommy tells you to use your inside voice – when you yell you hurt my head too.”
The Tackler plugged his ears, ran upstairs, and shut his door.
Most likely not hearing a word over the wailing.
Lil Diva just wanted to pet the baby. And reclaim my lap as hers, just in case the baby had any mommy stealing ideas.
What I found truly odd was: The Tackler is never that distressed when his sister is inconsolable. In fact, he often pushes her buttons to piss her off and seems to revel in her
shrieks very loud protests.
But the baby? The Tackler couldn’t stand it.
So if anyone knows how to get the quietus spell to work…
Or a mutus offspringus?
Or a sleepus uninterruptus?
Or a organizus houseus?
I’m willing to pay.
* * *
What spell do you wish you had?