This year is all about new holiday traditions.
They will either fail miserably, or this will reign as the best year ever.
In hopes the latter prevails, here are a few things I’d like to avoid to keep this a happy holiday…
Top 10 Things To Avoid This Holiday Season
10. Storms of any kind. Blizzards. Ice storms. Thunderstorms. Stay the frak away. We have planes and mountainous driving on our agenda and any kind of inclement weather is likely to strand us somewhere we do not wish to be.
9. The airplane bathroom. Especially with a child longer than 25 inches. My daughter didn’t fit on the changing table a year ago. She’s now two. She isn’t potty trained. I’m packing a Hazmat suit in my carry-on in case our last flight to Coloradodecides to repeat itself.
8. Germs. Nearly an impossible task when the two year old still taste tests most inanimate objects and does not grasp either the “five second rule” or that it only applies to her own food, not other people’s. Since I procreated, almost every Christmas we have traveled has turned into a Sickmas.
7. Ear infections. Flying beats driving, but it often has the evil side effect of creating ear infections in one or both of my children. Mental note: do not forget their insurance cards… (side note: guess what I forgot…)
6. Connecting flights. In the spirit of the Murhpy’s Law of Traveling, if it can go wrong, it will go wrong – especially over the holidays. Pick somewhere with a direct flight or make room for pillows in case the airport becomes your new residence.
5. Any shopping area prior to 8 PM, especially when accompanied by children. The mall. Walmart. Even the grocery store. Every damn one of them has strategically placed kiosks you will be forced to stand by as your children suddenly insist they must have all of it for Christmas.
4. Egg Nog. Just on principle. It’s isn’t egg nor nog. Or milk. Or likely to give you a buzz. And it smells bad. What the frak, people? Please tell me what anyone could possibly see in this vile drink.
3. Neglecting to put your packed luggage into the car. Always do a luggage check before leaving your house. Don’t ask your husband to load the car and assume he paid attention. You don’t want to open the rear hatch upon arriving at the airport and realize the important bag containing everything other than extra diapers is still zipped up in your bedroom. Trust me on this.
2. Standing in the cold air shivering in a bathing suit and towel, only to realize your hot tub is ice cold. If you’re visiting somewhere with a hot tub, be sure to examine its temperature as soon as possible and before your toes are frozen to the ground and you find ice floating in it. Luckily, my dad discovered the problem before I ventured outside.
1. Leaving the key to the place you’re renting sitting on your desk at home. You meticulously pack. You have checklists. Somehow, because you’re used to having to check-in at a desk, you forget to write “key” on the checklist. Your husband thinks of asking about the key as you do your aforementioned luggage check, but fails to mention this idea aloud. The epiphany of the key’s location hits you in a Chik-Fil-A where you stopped to wear out your children before mountain driving. You call the owner in a panic.
The owner states you are the first person to have ever forgotten the key in all of their years of renting.
If you’re lucky, they have a keypad on the garage so you can still get in. And a spare key welded to a horseshoe.
If not… You’re screwed.
What other pitfalls should I avoid over the holidays?