My children always listen to me.
They obey every word for the sheer joy of making me happy.
Two more perfect angels never existed.
I’ve also won American Idol, been a back up dancer for Lady Gaga, sold the idea for Harry Potter to J.K. Rowling, and turned down a marriage proposal from Johnny Depp.
I’m also a bit sarcastic.
The truth is, I am the mother who chants a silent prayer every time my children stray more than five feet away from me.
“Please let them come back without me having to run after them.”
Granted, most of the chasing is now directed at my two year old Lil Diva, but my son is very strong in the Not Listening Super Power.
Thankfully with the holidays upon us, it means I can finally pull out the Christmas Threat Bag when the regular ones have lost their magic.
Top 10 Holiday Threats and Bribes to Keep Your Children in Line
10. You have to get rid of toys you don’t play with anymore, or there won’t be any room for new presents.
9. Tackling and hitting puts you on the Naughty List. That means your toys will go to someone who doesn’t hit their sister.
8. If you obey and don’t act like demon spawn on Ritalin, we can put up the Christmas tree later.
7. Christmas lights are not for licking, chomping, or playing. Try any of those and the tree will disappear faster than the
batteries in your toy fire truck Legos left on the floor.
6. Whining gives poor Santa a migraine. Keep it up and he won’t be able to drive the sleigh to deliver your presents.
5. Santa is my father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate. One phone call and all of your presents will go to the little boy who is not running around like a badger high on
4. Be nice to your sister or she’ll get all of your Christmas gifts.
3. Give me
sixty forty-five thirty twenty fifteen five damn minutes of peace and we can go look at Christmas lights.
2. Each time you get a time out, I eat one of your Christmas cookies.
1. Whoever picks up the most toys the fastest will get a slice of pumpkin bread.
The last one I used on four children (including my son) on Thanksgiving, and you’d have thought I’d offered the winner all the candy they could eat, a week at Disney World, and a lifetime of unlimited TV watching given the speed the exploded room was tidied up.
Yes, my pumpkin bread is that good.
What threats and bribes do you find yourself uttering during the holiday season?