No Officer, I Don’t Beat My Children

Friday’s “What the frak…?” moment (WTFM) is brought to you by………..

Kamikaze Kids: They run. They scream. They crash into each other and the hardest, sharpest edges they can find. And that’s just in twenty-four hours.


I swear I don’t beat my children.

Have I ever been tempted?

Oh yeah.

Especially when my son hits my hot button and bullies his sister.

But I haven’t.

You wouldn’t think it to look at their faces.

Because I am cursed gifted with children whose play mode is often set to “kamikaze”.

This blog is called Dances with Chaos for a reason.

Nothing made this more apparent than the twenty-four hour time frame from Tuesday night through Wednesday.

My children play nicely in the main tent as they fill the bottom with toys.

Taken on another day when the children dumped half of the their toys into the bottom, this red tent is where Lil Diva was while my son spun madly in the yellow one collapsed on the ground here.

We have collapsible tents that can be connected via tunnels to form a giant castle.

Lil Diva was in the big red tent.

The Tackler was in the smaller yellow one that is bottomless. Spinning.

You can tell where this is going, can’t you?

“You’re being reckless. You need to stop spinning,” I said, my almost non-existent voice a mere croak.

It didn’t matter. I’m pretty sure his superpower was cranked to eleven again.

The inevitable happened. He got dizzy and fell – directly on top of Lil Diva in her tent.

This prevented her from bracing herself and her forehead met tile, resulting in a giant goose-egg, The Tackler being banished, and many tears from Lil Diva.

It is now bruise, the egg gone.

Luckily it is also hidden by the hair she won’t let me style for more than thirty seconds.

Karma came into play the next day.

The Tackler and Lil Diva were miraculously playing well, running upstairs and screaming like Banshees. My son, in his 4.5 year old brilliance, decided running beneath his bed sheet would be the icing on the cake.

And it was fun.

Until he ran forehead first into the sharp edge of the upstairs railing, giving himself a lovely Frankensteinish slash between his eyes.

He received “the reckless” lecture again, a calm discussion about putting a damper on some of the more kamikaze ways.

He seemed to listen.

The Tackler's recklessly leads to two injuries in 24 hours.

The shiner has since darkened to a blackish-green hue.

I took both children to the gym a few hours later, dropping them off in the child care.

When I returned, the first thing the employee said to me was, “Just to warn you, your son has a shiner.”

What the frak now? I thought. “What happened?”

“He was running and crashed into his sister on accident. He refused to let me put ice on it.”

“Great.” I wondered again why I hadn’t invested in one of those giant padded sumo wrestling suits in his size.

My 4.5 year leaps like this without the sumo suit padding.

My son will do this without the padding. Do they make these sumo suits in 4.5 year old size?

It’s like he knows I desperately want another family photo taken.

At this rate it won’t happen. Not without some major editing required.

Because he does in fact have quite the shiner.

To match Lil Diva’s.

And he shows no signs of having learned a lesson or slowing down – normal life in The House of Chaos.

Do you have a kamikaze child, or are you blessed with the cautious kind? 


About Kelly K @ Dances with Chaos

Kelly K has learned the five steps to surviving of motherhood: 1) Don't get mad. Grab your camera. 2) Take a photograph. 3) Blog about it. 4) Laugh. 5) Repeat. She shares these tales at Dances with Chaos in order to preserve what tiny amount of sanity remains. You can also find her on her sister blog, Writing with Chaos ( sharing memoir and engaging in her true love: fiction writing. It's cheaper than therapy.
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10 Responses to No Officer, I Don’t Beat My Children

  1. My 5 year old son is cautious with most things, but will go into “kamikaze” mode only when inside and at home. He loves to run and jump on everything here, but is more sedate when one a playground… where he should get his crazies out!

    • I can see how this would be very frustrating.

      But when your children want to pull out the kamikaze following dinner – which they have finished but you have not – and go berserk in a restaurant, you sort of wish they’d confine it at home.

      The only things my son is cautious about are amusement park rides that are unfamiliar. If you can get him to try it, he falls in love, but he’s leery of the unknown.

      He also hates dark theaters.

      The rest of the time? Full blown chaos…

  2. HA! I can totally relate! There is never a moment where one child doesn’t have a bruise from something!

    My ped (who is a father to three) actually says he likes seeing the bruises on the legs and such because it lets him know they’re being active! Good guy, but I think he also likes them because they are job security.

  3. Sparky says:

    I completely feel your angst! I have Kamikaze Minions who have an unparalleled talent for finding sharp corners of hard objects with their foreheads.

    My worst week was back in the summer…
    Day 1: the Diva pirouettes around a Ye Olde Light pole (metal) and sprouts a raised purple spot above her right temple.
    Day 2: the Climber discovers a curb, and has a matching one above his left temple.
    Day 3: Surprisingly quiet.
    Day 4: the Climber takes off across the hardwood floor in his socks and skids into a doorframe. The bruised lump sprouted EXACTLY opposite the first one.

    A lady stopped me at the grocery store and informed me that my children were sprouting horns… o_o

  4. You should really go ahead with the family picture. You wouldn’t think so now but four or five years from now you will treasure a picture that reminds you of who your kids were. Those cleaned up, perfect ones are a fine fantasy but they won’t hold the memories a more honest portrayal will.

    • I think I will have a hard time forgetting who my kids were, particularly as their antics are now scrapbooked via blog to counteract Mommy Brain Syndrome.

      Our photos are never perfect, and the best ones are when my son gets us laughing.

      I’d just rather avoid the shiners, gashes, and drool rash Lil Diva is sporting.

      We have never done a “professional” sitting – my friend Bobbi does it for us. I haven’t found a way to do it myself and still be in the photos….

      I do have plenty of photo frames with their “true” antics and injuries…

  5. My kid is total kamikaze. His daycare provider warned me earlier, “You are going to have to deal with a lot of bumps and bruises on this one.” And, indeed, his is leaping off/onto things (and missing), trying to ride the dog, climbing up things, trying to plug dangerous things into sockets (the safety devices for which were a fun challenge for him to take apart) and generally savoring all the selfsame activities that make his mama feel like she’s on the verge of a heart attack. I hope a little caution comes with age?
    I love that last picture so much!

  6. Pingback: No, That Isn’t Makeup | Dances with Chaos

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