I have no voice.
Okay, it’s a slight exaggeration.
I have a voice capable of speaking anywhere from “whisper mode” all the way up to “you can hear me if you stand less than three feet away and the room is silent” in volume.
It has been this way for almost a week.
Parenting two children, both under the age of five with such a voice is full of challenges.
Top 10 Parenting Issues When Laryngitis Strikes
9. It is very hard to play when every other sentence out of your 4.5 year old’s mouth is, “What did you say, Mommy?”
8. You cannot make the stern “Listen to me, or you’re in big trouble” tone without your voice cracking.
7. You cannot use words to calm your screaming child.
6. Your daughter wonders why you don’t follow the rules and yell, “Ahh! Ahh!” when she attacks you with the prehistoric crocodile-looking toy.
5. They cannot hear anything you say while dining out.
4. You cannot talk to them in the car, because you are incapable of being understood over the road noise. This pisses them off.
3. You have people to call and the usual challenge of being heard over your children in the background is now impossible. Plus everyone thinks you’re depressed thanks to the monotone quality your voice has.
2. You never have a long enough period of time without needing to talk to let your voice recover.
1. You need to take a translator or surrogate mommy on errands or to the park because once your children reach further than three feet away, they cannot hear you. This makes it impossible to call them back without chasing each one down.
Or you have swallow your embarrassment to nudge a random stranger and say, “Can you please yell “Tackler” to get my child’s attention? I have no voice.”