Evacuation Complete, My Doppelganger, and Shrink Rays

We went to the pool on Monday.

Lil Diva didn’t even make it to the car, already sagging in the stroller.

I put her into bed once we arrived home and walked downstairs to find The Tackler sitting at our indoor picnic table, his head laid on the top.

“Are you hungry, Sweetie? Would you like some watermelon?”

“Yes, please!”

Anxious to finally write yesterday’s blog, I left him with a container full of watermelon and went into my office to write.

Fifteen minutes later I hear, “Mommy, I ate it all.”

I hurried into the kitchen and found a pile of about eight rinds, most clean. I grabbed a knife and removed what small bits were still edible.

He ate some more.

Finally, he announced he was full.

Completely full of watermelon wedges upon arrival, this is all that remained after The Tackler’s “snack” (sunglasses shown for scale purposes).

Four hours later….

We had to make-up a swim lesson so it was back to the gym’s pool again. We always changed in the family restroom to ensure maximum bladder evacuation before entering the pool.

It’s just safer that way.

Only this time, he just kept going.. and going.. and going. Rather like the “Evacuation Complete” scene from the original Austin Powers.

“Wow, Mommy. There’s a lot of pee-pee coming out,” he said, the stream continuing, as I wondered how someone so small could hold so much.

At least I didn’t have to worry about dehydration.

* * *

I was in the kitchen, doing… something,  when I heard Lil Diva say:

“Mommy. Mommy.”

“What?” I asked, used to having my immediate attention demanded.

She sat on the couch with CG, reading a Monsters Inc book.

“Mommy!” she said again, stabbing the page with her finger.

CG looked up and smiled. “She thinks Celia is you.”

Oh. Great. My doppelganger has snakes for hair, one eye, and tentacles for appendages.

Celia wasn’t  quite the image I was going for.

I’m so hawt.

* * *

The Tackler said to CG/Daddy out of nowhere:

“If I had a shrink ray I could shrink you and put you in my mouth. Then you could explore.”

CG assures me it was so he could examine the interior of The Tackler’s mouth, not be eaten.

What do you think?

Have your children done or said anything hilarious lately?

About Kelly K @ Dances with Chaos

Kelly K has learned the five steps to surviving of motherhood: 1) Don't get mad. Grab your camera. 2) Take a photograph. 3) Blog about it. 4) Laugh. 5) Repeat. She shares these tales at Dances with Chaos in order to preserve what tiny amount of sanity remains. You can also find her on her sister blog, Writing with Chaos (www.writingwithchaos.com) sharing memoir and engaging in her true love: fiction writing. It's cheaper than therapy.
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10 Responses to Evacuation Complete, My Doppelganger, and Shrink Rays

  1. The alaskan says:

    At least your doppelganger is thin! 🙂

  2. My parents tell the story (now that I’m older) of when I was about 18 months old and came across on of my grandfather’s (wait for it…) Playboy magazines.
    (I’m sure he read them for the articles. And now I will swallow my gag reflex and continue.)

    Apparently, no one wanted to appear alarmed, so they let me thumb through the magazine. At which point I started saying, “There’s Mommy. Oh. And there’s Mommy!”

    I’m pretty sure my father said something like, “We need to get her vision checked,” and then my mom grabbed the magazine.

    And my grandmother made my grandfather cancel his subscription.
    Or so he told her.

    (i know. gross, right? but my grandpa was probably in his early forties and back in the 1960’s the magazine was pretty tame. by today’s standards at least. don’t hate me. or my grandpa. he’s a cool guy. and still alive at 92. so he did something right…or whatever.)

    Can we still be friends?

  3. Kate says:

    Mine happened some time ago. Riff, my 4 year-old son and I went to the library. Sometimes he has behavior issues when we go there. So, before we went inside I told him what my expectations were — most importantly I told him to use his indoor voice. Once inside he screams at the top of lungs, “Mom, we have to be quiet in the library!” Thank goodness the library staff knows me and finds Riff to be entertaining rather than disturbing.

    • I can see The Tackler doing that well – only the library staff doesn’t know me so well.

      What I do not understand is, they built this lovely children’s section, complete with doors to seal it off and block the noise.

      Then they prop open all the doors and get upset with me when I dare to remove the stopper because my little diva will run into the administrative area and conference rooms if it’s left open.

      I stopped going to the library for a while. I’m hoping in a few months, once Lil Diva passes two, and teething she will stop trying to rip and eat book pages.

  4. momfog says:

    While “sneaking” five kids in a hotel room (only 3 kids allowed) my 2yo daughter started yelling “dammit!” at the top of her lungs. She was repeating what she’d heard me say after I’d dropped her blanket for the 10th time. The other kids laughed really loud every time she said it. How we weren’t discovered, I’ll never know. BTW, that same 2yo daughter ate an insane amount of watermelon once too. Unfortunately, hers evacuated in an entirely different way. And I’m not talking about her mouth.
    VIsiting from the red dress club.

    • Ok, the “dammit” yelling 2 year old is hilarious. Perhaps it was this loud, brazen entrance that allowed you to sneak in “hiding in plain sight”.

      I am very thankful my son is potty trained now.

      Thanks for stopping by!

  5. Tina says:

    Hey–I like those little snakes! I think they’re adorable.

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