The Inter-Dimensional Portal for Keys.


Today happens to be my 300th post here (since I started blogging one year and three days ago)!

Funny how blogging milestones keep falling on Friday…

So without further ado, here is my 300th post, and a “what the frak” moment perhaps a few of you can relate to…

Friday’s “What the frak…?” moment (WTFM) is brought to you by………..

Why keys should have built in inter-dimensional portal GPS tracking: Last week my husband’s car keys vanished. I think I might be responsible. Maybe. Then on the 4th of July I had one of the bigger “Oh frak!” moments possible, short of having a child blow out of their diaper with zero supplies on hand.

It has not been a good week for keys in our house.

I have a memory of placing my husband’s keys into my purse as Bobbi and I went out to a final BFF dinner before she flies off to Russia this weekend.

They have not been seen since.

They are not in her car.

They are not at the restaurant.

They are not in my purse unless it shares the inter-dimensional portal with my dryer.

They are GONE.

My husband no longer has a house key and has been using the spare for a week.

On the 4th of July we went to a carnival in Cedar Park. It. Was. Awesome.

But the ending almost went into Epic Fail.

Arc Attack played on the stage and we sat in the field as many families packed up and left – because it was after 10 PM at this point.

The Tackler was toast.

The field? Pitch black.

I gathered our things so we could leave, nearly dumping an opened Dr. Pepper all over me and prayed nothing had strayed too far from the stroller because I wouldn’t be able to see it.

This was complicated further by CG and the kids moving away from their previous location into a better spot as the field cleared out a bit and the band called for audience members interested in being onstage in the metal cage.

I escorted the Tackler to the restrooms in case he passed out on the car ride home – he hadn’t used the facilities at all during the 3.5 hours there. He trudged, his pace that of a snail.

As we walked, I realized something.

My car keys were not in my pocket.

What. The. Frak!

I hid my escalating panic, our return trip to CG just as slow.

Then I freaked out. I had just had them prior to assembling our stuff. They couldn’t be far.

Why hadn’t I brought a flashlight?

Luckily, CG’s Droid X has an interesting feature where you turn its flash into a flashlight – about as bright as one too.

I cased the field around our old and new spots, then attempted to retrace my tracks to the bathroom.

“What are you looking for?” Several people asked.

“My car keys.”

I could see from their faces. They thought I was frakked.

CG located me, not too hard with the beacon of his cell phone.

“We found your keys. They were in the diaper bag, just like we suggested.”

I’d looked there first. I swear. Even though I had no memory of placing them inside.

What the frak?

Damn fluctuating dimensional portals for keys…

Did you or someone you know have a “What the frak?” moment this week? Or is there another object in your house that also finds this portal? Please share.


About Kelly K @ Dances with Chaos

Kelly K has learned the five steps to surviving of motherhood: 1) Don't get mad. Grab your camera. 2) Take a photograph. 3) Blog about it. 4) Laugh. 5) Repeat. She shares these tales at Dances with Chaos in order to preserve what tiny amount of sanity remains. You can also find her on her sister blog, Writing with Chaos ( sharing memoir and engaging in her true love: fiction writing. It's cheaper than therapy.
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3 Responses to The Inter-Dimensional Portal for Keys.

  1. Congratualtions on you 300th post! Since having kids I swear many things have some magical dimension where they get lost just when I need them the most. If I counted the number of “binkies” aka soothers I’ve bought over the years I promise it would be at least 50 times the 3 I can locate right now. Where do those things go???

    I decided a long time ago that if I knew where my kids and my keys were it was a good day. Being able to find anything else was just a bonus!

  2. Kim says:

    I honestly believe that keys have the ability to disappear and reappear, at will. I swear, they are ALWAYS someplace that I had previously checked about 17 times!!! I think I saw something like it on the Twilight Zone once… *shudders*

  3. Kid Id says:

    I would probably have lost my mind if my daughter had a diaper blow-out with no back-up diapers. I’ve been known to scream even at home when she has diaper blow-outs for anyone (ANYONE) to get me diapers and wipes while I hold her upside-down and as far away from my body as I possibly could. Happy 300th! That’s amazing that you’ve posted so many in only 368 days!!!

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