I Sniffed the Wet Spot – A Guest Missive

Kristina was one of the first bloggers I “met” on Twitter. As I stared at my feed, confounded about #hashtags and wondering “What exactly am I supposed to do?”, she was always helpful in answering my questions.

She’s also the one blogger awake to commiserate when I tweet at 1 AM because my Lil Diva is wheezing with a croupy cough.

Her blog, The Ten Minute Missive, is one of the first I followed, grabbing me with the hilarious “Babies are Grrreat!”  She isn’t a humor blogger, like many that I read, but simply goes where life leads her. Her post “It Should Be Said” is raw and struck a chord with my younger self and another must read.

I requested a more amusing tale for today’s post, and she easily complied.

“I Sniffed The Wet Spot”

At the start of my foray into parenting, aka becoming an expert on skin rashes and using a head lice comb, I made the mistake of approaching parenting in the same fashion as all other pursuits. I bought the book and read up on the subject. And while this approach worked just fine for such things as installing a dishwasher, it pretty much stunk at preparing me for the job of parenting. Because, really, if a person wrote a book that truly prepared folks for the joys of parenting, no one would buy it. After all, people like to think that they’ll have a six hour labor, their baby will sleep through the night at a few weeks, and their child will never back-talk.

But I’m a little bit crazy (I do have three kids under the age of 11) so I’m thinking that with the right spin, maybe there would be a market for truthfulness. Here’s a few tidbits that I’d probably include:

  • If you have sons, there is a strong chance that “accuracy” may not always be as specific to your son as to you. You have two options. You can either traumatize the poor child to the point that he will likely live in your basement for the rest of his natural life or you can try to have a sense of humor about it. “Honey, while I’m thrilled you kept all your urine within the confines of the bathroom, I would really like you to work on keeping it in the toilet for now on.” The other day the rug in the bathroom was mysteriously wet. Later my oldest son comes to me and says, “I sniffed the wet spot and it definitely smells like pee.” Realizing I had to remind the four year old to make sure his equipment is pointing at the water, I broached the subject. “I tried Mom, but sometimes it just dances around too much.” Somehow I missed that chapter in all those potty-training books.
  • Pacifiers are lovely things. Yes, there are some folks who will tell you that you will surely burn in hell for having placed a plastic substitute for your breast into your child’s mouth. There will also be folks who may break into tears over the memory of having a child who wouldn’t take a pacifier nor be pacified by anything else, for that matter. You can make your own decision about this. However, I must warn you. If you have a pacifier-using child, that pacifier is a very special thing in his/her life. So special that your sweet baby may want you to care for it when he/she is unable. This translated into my first child sucking on his binkey, puking it and his entire stomach contents into a bucket and then plucking the vomit-coated thing from the mess and putting it in my mouth. Not sure about his logic but he did have a high fever at the time.
  • Please forget all positive thoughts or feelings you might have about Legos. Who cares if Legos help small children learn all kinds of wonderful science things. They are made by evil, evil people! We know this because they have made not one but two Legos that are nostril shaped. My second Lego-nostril extraction happened after the Lego had been secretly lodged for quite some time. One sinus infection and approximately 15 days later, the Lego was freed from my son’s nose. I’ll refrain from sharing the photos. (Of course I took pictures! He’ll be dating someday!)
  • Chances are your body will bear some marks of having brought a baby into this world. You might not be able to see all those marks but don’t worry, they are there. And when your kids get old enough, they’ll point them all out to you, most likely at either the grocery store or at an annual holiday gathering.

So what do you think? Perhaps my target market is really the ovulating woman who’s youngest child just graduated to making her drop him off at the corner by the movie theater and she is left fantasizing about her sweet little baby. I just need to come up with the perfect title, something besides, “Avoid The Wet Spot.”

***

BIO: Kristina L. Martin is a writer, stand-up comedian, mom, and retired high school English teacher. Her approach to life is much like her approach to knitting: keeping the tension even is just as important as not making mistakes, but the mistakes make things way more interesting. You can read more of her random thoughts at www.tenminutemissive.com.

Advertisements

About Kelly K @ Dances with Chaos

Kelly K has learned the five steps to surviving of motherhood: 1) Don't get mad. Grab your camera. 2) Take a photograph. 3) Blog about it. 4) Laugh. 5) Repeat. She shares these tales at Dances with Chaos in order to preserve what tiny amount of sanity remains. You can also find her on her sister blog, Writing with Chaos (www.writingwithchaos.com) sharing memoir and engaging in her true love: fiction writing. It's cheaper than therapy.
This entry was posted in Guest Blog and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to I Sniffed the Wet Spot – A Guest Missive

  1. Bellymonster says:

    Am both gagging and laughing at the vomit-covered soother. Baahhhaaaableeech! And the sniffing of the wet spot – man, what a great book title that would be. Honest parenting tips and all!

    Great post!!

    • Kristina says:

      So glad you found some humor in my less than stellar vomit experience. 🙂 At least now he only expects me to sit up and comfort him the entire time he has a stomach virus. Easy-peasy compared to the pukey-binkey-in-the-mouth trick. Thanks for reading!

  2. Tracie W. says:

    I’m totally thinking you should write a book. Really.

    I LOVE pacifiers, oh yes. Woe to the mother of any “pah-pah” loving toddler (yes, toddler) who forgets to pack the damn thing on a outing.

    I dislike Legos for their uncanny ability to position themselves directly beneath my bare feet, evil little building block edges pointed straight up. Ow.

    • Kristina says:

      I actually have many sad, sad binkey stories. None very entertaining however. Three kids and 17,000 binkies later, my purse if finally empty of the little beasties. 🙂 So happy to have you read my story – thanks!

  3. True confessions:

    I have two dogs and two children. I, myself, sniff wet spots on a weekly basis.

    I’m not proud. Just honest. With a good sense of smell…

    (this was fabulous, by the way. thank you.)

    • Kristina says:

      Isn’t it crazy? That moment you realize you are crawling about the floor, a*s-end up, nose to carpet and the neighbor is at the door? Oh, maybe that’s just me. 🙂

      Thank you so much for reading!

  4. The best things in life that are funny are also true. Like this post. Been there. Am still there.

    Thanks for putting it into words!

    • Kristina says:

      When I’m looking for material to use on-stage, it’s always the true stuff that gets the most laughs. And the stories folks think I made up. 🙂

  5. Kir says:

    oh I loved her!!!

    and now with my twin boys (who are 3) potty training right now, I snorted at the WET SPOT one, it’s so spot on (no pun intended).
    Plus my kiddos love their NUKS…love love love em. I Know it’s going to take an intervention to give them up. “maybe tomorrow” 🙂

    Nice meeting you!!!

    Hi Kel!

    • Kristina says:

      I wish I could say that once those boys are approaching middle school your issues will be over. Of course, we all know that is a dream/lie/fantasy. My solution? Spanish Coffees in the am! (Well, maybe not but it sounds like a bang-up idea, doesn’t it?)

      Thanks for reading!

  6. Pingback: Birds of a Feather… « Ten Minute Missive

  7. John Barnes says:

    Another great post Kristina! And yes, the funniest stuff seems to always be that which is true. I think that’s because it shows us that we’re all in the same boat. We get to laugh at ourselves as much as the humorist.

    Thanks for posting this, and for bringing us to Kelly’s place.

  8. Linda G. says:

    LOL! Too funny! Thanks for a trip down memory lane. 🙂

  9. Kate says:

    Very funny. My four-year-old son is a late trainer and just started the process this week. I am looking forward to many missed targets. Our dog sometimes misses his spot as well. I might as well carry around my spray bottle of carpet cleaner and scrub brush 😉

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s