Misplaced Kids, Doing it Yourself, and Daddy Putty Reduction – A Guest Hellcat Edition

I bring you a special addition of Tacklerism Tuesday, this week, courtesy of the famous (or is that infamous?) Chase McFadden, of Some Species Eat Their Young. His blog was one of the very first I started following and I’ve been hooked ever since.

In short, the guy is hilarious, so if for some reason you didn’t know about him before now, you’re in for a treat.

He gives tacklerisms today, Hellcat style….

* * *

When I read the Twitter message from Kelly asking me to write a guest post for Dances with Chaos, my first thought was, “Oh, crap. I think I’ve lost one of the kids.”

A quick head count confirmed it: I could only account for three-quarters of our brood.

MIA was Perpetual Motion, our 5-year-old vagabond adventurer, the usual suspect when one of the quartet disappears. I checked the usual hot spots – our neighbors’ horse pasture, our neighbors’ trampoline (apparently much trampier than the one we have), our neighbors’ unlocked vehicles – and of course found him standing knee-deep in the creek behind our house catching minnows.

Once I’d accounted for all of the fruit of my looms, my second thought was, “What the hell am I going to write about?” And at that exact moment, my 4-year-old daughter stomped up and gave her brother the what-for.

“When Mom and Dad whistle, you are supposed to get where they can see you! Right, Dad?”

“Right, Honey. Now run along. I’ll take care of this.”

As I watched my sweet little girl march off, likely to go interrogate and/or lecture her other two brothers, I thought, Maybe I’ll write about the Hellcat.

*****

With four kids age 7 or under, there are plenty of memorable utterances from the ankle-biters in our house. But the queen of the verbal anecdote has to be the Hellcat.

This is the girl who sings “Jesus can do miracles… Jesus can do miracles” only around me, suggesting, it seems, that there may even be hope for someone as hopeless as your dad when you play on the Big J’s team.

This is the girl who told me on one occasion (using her gravely-disappointed-with-two-extra-helpings-of-guilt voice) that I had in fact made Jesus sad, and although I assured her that He was used to it, it did nothing to lessen the shame face she was slapping on me.

This is the girl who is still easing her way out of the “bagina” identification phase: “Great Grandma, you’re a girl because you have a bagina.”

This is the girl who told her mom she didn’t need a bottle for her baby doll Lulu because she was going to feed her straight from the tap, ifyou know what I mean.

Lulu may have just finished nursing....

This is the girl who, while my folks were visiting at Easter, asked, “Is Papa a girl?”

“No.”

“So why does he put cream in his coffee?”

This is the girl who, like Tackler, plays a little barbershop now and again (although she hasn’t had the foresight or imagination to use a saw), and once informed me that it didn’t matter if I didn’t have any hair on my head because she could just cut my arm hair.

This is the girl who played an integral role in the infamous wiener incident, wherein she emotionally scarred her father for life.

And this is the girl who always wants to help her dad, and by “help” I mean turn something like a recent 15-minute tune-up for the riding mower into an hour-long teeth grinder because she wants to do this by herself and she wants to do that by herself.

The Hellcat: Daddy's Little Helper

Helpful, indeed.

And savvy.

And intuitive.

So as she sensed that my patience was fraying like the belt on the mower that I was attempting to replace, she crowded her face down between mine and the engine and looked up at me.

“Dad?”

What!

“I love you,” she said, and then she gave me a delicate peck on the lips.

“I love you, too.”

Instantly, I was putty in her tiny, grease-covered hands.

Of course she could help. Of course she could do it herself, no matter if it tripled or even quadrupled the time that it would normally take me to do it alone.

I’d be more patient. I’d be more loving. I’d be more happy.

She had broken me like a cheap, foreign-made mower blade.

And when she spoke again, the tone in my voice was something close to paternal glee. At least initially.

“Dad?”

“Yes, Sweetie?”

“You have a lot of hair in your nose.”

“I know, Honey. Thanks for noticing. Now run along. I’ll take care of this.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Chase is a writer, blogger, husband, father, and semi-professional Jedi. His hobbies include subconciously humming themes from popular children’s shows… and that’s pretty much it. Kick Ass Wife and Chase have four young children (Slim, Perpetual Motion, The Hellcat, and Tax Credit #4). He loves them. They’re funny. Occasionally they make cool noises. All in all, they’re awesome kids. But there are times when he understands why some species eat their young.

Chase also “co-parents” the site Stuff Kids Write with Leanne of Ironic Mom. Go. Read. Laugh. Send them the  hilarious writings of your children.

You won’t be sorry.

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About Kelly K @ Dances with Chaos

Kelly K has learned the five steps to surviving of motherhood: 1) Don't get mad. Grab your camera. 2) Take a photograph. 3) Blog about it. 4) Laugh. 5) Repeat. She shares these tales at Dances with Chaos in order to preserve what tiny amount of sanity remains. You can also find her on her sister blog, Writing with Chaos (www.writingwithchaos.com) sharing memoir and engaging in her true love: fiction writing. It's cheaper than therapy.
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28 Responses to Misplaced Kids, Doing it Yourself, and Daddy Putty Reduction – A Guest Hellcat Edition

  1. I just happen to come across his blog last night. Also told my hubby to have a look. 🙂
    Great read!

    • Thanks!

      I probably shouldn’t do this when I’m guest blogging, but I really can’t help myself: put “If you know what I mean…” after the first two sentences of your comment and, well, it’s immature magic. (Sorry, Kelly.)

  2. Annie says:

    My favorite line is the one about grandpa being a girl because he put cream in his coffee! Hellcat is one sharp chickie 😉 She has her hands full taking care of all those brothers. And then she has you to worry about, too.

  3. Pingback: The Hellcat’s Greatest Hits « Some Species Eat Their Young

  4. Pam says:

    LOVE IT!!!

  5. Pam says:

    And also, I’m a bit too um,….intimidated….to read the hotdog post…

  6. She is a girl after my own heart.

    And what a great picture of you two, Graybeard. (What percentage of that comes from Hellcat?)

    • Judging from your blog, I would have guessed that you two had a lot in common.

      Hellcat is responsible for half the graying, just like the other three kids.

      Graybeard. Nice. Sounds pirate-ish.

  7. “Once I’d accounted for all of the fruit of my looms” Best. Line. Ever!

    I can just hear Hellcat telling P-Motion what he SHOULD have done when you called…

    Funny piece, Chase…I think we need a couple of these a week…no pressure…

    Wendy
    Honourary Canadian Gramma

  8. Bagina identifaction (great-grandma: guilty);
    coffee creamer = girl;
    Daddy has hair on his arms and in his nose, so. Barbershop candidate!

    Love this, Chase. This post is beyond fantastic.

    I have to make my kids’ lunches for school, but I think first I must read about the traumatic wiener incident.

    (midday food is overrated, right?)

  9. So So Funny.

    Chase, can I send you my kids for part of the summer? (as opposed to part of my kids for the summer). Check that out with KAW, will ya?

    You’ll know how to deal with them. William disappears in Perpetual Motion style (he likes to play hide-and-seek without informing anyone — no, this is not hyperbole). I just put him in the brightest shirt whenever we go anywhere.

    Vivian and Hellcat? Two girls with love and sass.

    Let me know what dates work with KAW.

    • Sure. As long as we can send you ours. We always feel guilty asking because we have far out-procreated our family and friends; it’s never an even swap.

      I really do think that they’d all get along smashingly. And I do mean smash.

      Thanks, eh.

  10. educlaytion says:

    Good as always. What a cutie! I mean Hellcat, not you.

  11. Missi says:

    Good stuff!
    I wish I could put all of the parenting moments into such witty anecdotes — might make them easier to endure!

    I love your perspective on this adventure we call parenting!

    I too love the “fruit of my looms” — aaah.. hilarious!

  12. KristenSays says:

    what an awesome post! in the picture with Lulu, you’d think Hellcat could do no wrong. so angelic.

    p.s. i’m pretty sure i can see those nose hairs from here. eeewww……

  13. Thanks!

    Yes, angelic. Just what I was thinking.

    Until I Photoshopped them out, it looked like I was blowing a party favor out each nostril. The Hellcat may not be tactful, but she’s accurate.

  14. My daughter asked me if I was on God or Satan’s team. Then when she got in trouble she decided it wasn’t God’s.

  15. Holy hilarious. Wieners, baginas, arm and nose hairs all in one post. Hellcat is outstanding. In a field. Looking for P-Motion. 🙂

  16. Bellymonster says:

    This is just plain awesome. If I were to have a girl (which I’m NOT – DH is reading over my shoulder) I’d want her to be just like Hellcat. Hellcat McLennan.

    Fitting.

    She’s got you wrapped, Daddy McFadden. All is as it should be. Carry on.

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