Childhood Set To: Ludicrous Speed

Ludicrous Speed

When did the setting get moved to ludicrous speed?

Time always moves at the same speed. A minute is always sixty seconds. Sixty minutes is always an hour.  Twenty-four hours always equals a day – except on the cursed Time Change Days.

Yet another reason to get rid of them.

But if time is so consistent – why does it feel like it is zooming past me faster than ludicrous speed?

My baby girl is 14 months old today – and by today, I mean yesterday, when I started writing this post. 

"What's that smell? Oh.. me.."

I’m still debating the mathematical possibility that I’m somehow caught in a odd time warp where time moves faster every day.

Except for occasional days like this, where my proximity to an invisible black hole causes time to slow to a crawl and I countdown the seconds until CG gets home and bedtime.

I swear, just the other day she was just a helpless baby, determined to chomp off your finger using the sheer force of her gums.

Now she’s a Lil’ Diva plotting to take over the world. Or at least the picnic table.

In honor of her surviving The Terribly Tenacious Tackling Toddler for another month, this post is dedicated to her.

My Lil’ Diva at 14 Months Old


Already working on her blog from atop her picnic table perch.

  • Has learned the art of proper descent on the picnic table.  While she does occasionally go back to her Grunt, Whine, & Stomp Feet method to call me  over to the table, offer her my hands, and help her down – she is fully capable of doing it on her own.  This is a skill I am grateful for, as previously I was on call constantly  – helping her down every minute.
  • Has discovered the necessary skills to climb on top of the toy chest – which allows her to climb onto an even higher toy chest.  Not so thrilled about this one given that her “crash zone” is typically littered with toys to injure herself upon should she stumble or be tackled…
  • Has eight teeth, but I believe more will appear before the 15 month mark based on copious amounts of drool.  Seriously, if it could be bottled, I’d have enough to water my lawn.
  • Signs “thank you” – if it suits her mood.

    "HA! Peekaboo! I see you!"

  • CG’s list of words Diva “says” (not necessarily distinguishable from babble if you aren’t her parent): hi, hello, daddy, fish, chase, boo, arf arf (her dog impression).  I’m in agreement on daddy, fish, & chase and still unsure on the others.
  • Wraps her arms around you in a full fledged hug and snuggles against you. This is my favorite “new” skill and one that will hopefully remain during her teen years.
  • Is an expert in playing peekaboo and will do it with anyone willing to play.  Her favorite location for playing: inside the kangaroo climber.
  • Asserts eating independence by snatching the spoon away.  This has created some massive messes as the spoon is then employed as a drumming instrument on all surfaces, included her head/hair.

    "I rule this bridge."

  • Utilizes the Five Steps of Eating Food the Messiest Way Possible. To my utter chagrin.
  • Now can communicate what she wants by pointing and grunting very effectively.  A definite channeling of inner cave woman.
  • Despises being left downstairs whenever anyone goes up without her.
  • Has no issues or fears of going down or up the stairs – just skilled enough to terrify me and require constant vigilance for the 1% of the time she has to be caught.
  • Her two favorite positions to play or read books in: plopped in your lap as she leans against you, and perching on top of the picnic table (aka Queen Diva’s Throne).  Only an issue when her brother wishes to fight for dominance. Also the reason we now have foam squares underneath the table…


  • Her walking has now progressed to running at a Speed No One with Legs That Short She Be Able to Achieve.
  • She is equally fascinated and terrified of dogs.  She will approach dogs and stop about five feet away.  Inevitably the owner will approach – seeing Diva’s obvious interest – and then she will burst into tears.  This fear began after hearing loud barking at close range and did not exist last May when she loved my sister’s dog Reba – who did not bark.
  • Finally, as long as she isn’t in Screaming Banshee Mode, she grins, smiles, and waves to everyone she meets – a Queen Diva bestowing love upon her attentive subjects.

While I wish the Black Hole days to disappear forever – or at least the causes behind it – I really wish a slow motion or pause button existed to slow the accelerated growth pattern my children are following.

I don’t want a teenager just yet. Maybe in twenty years, but not in ten.

Darn math.


About Kelly K @ Dances with Chaos

Kelly K has learned the five steps to surviving of motherhood: 1) Don't get mad. Grab your camera. 2) Take a photograph. 3) Blog about it. 4) Laugh. 5) Repeat. She shares these tales at Dances with Chaos in order to preserve what tiny amount of sanity remains. You can also find her on her sister blog, Writing with Chaos ( sharing memoir and engaging in her true love: fiction writing. It's cheaper than therapy.
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7 Responses to Childhood Set To: Ludicrous Speed

  1. auntbethany says:

    What a wonderful post! She is adorable…and she seems to have a wonderful mother to guide her through life!

    • Kelly K says:

      Thank you so much! I doubt my mothering skills some days – especially if the Tackler is in full Terrible Three Mode, but I try. I think the adorable factor is a survival mechanism – for those days when we wonder why we ever became parents.

      I am blessed to have two beautiful children. Other than the urge to sleep in, I can’t complain. Much. 🙂

      I just try to enjoy them as they are, because all too soon they will be teenagers and no longer fighting over my lap, but over borrowing the car. Lord help me then…

      Thank you for reading and commenting!

  2. mc6pack says:

    One of my favorite posts of yours, Kelly. Loved the little list of Divaisms. The spoon snatch? That is a tough one to deal with because if they aren’t allowed to take control, the wailing may ensue. If they do take over the spoon, major cleaning will ensue. A tough call.

    All hail the Diva…

    • Kelly K says:

      Yes, we are entering The Spoon War phase where there is truly no way to win. I base my decision to yield or prevail based on each situation and the proximity of cleaning supplies.

      I just can’t believe how quickly my Lil Diva is changing. Before I know it, she could be a Hellcat… 🙂

      I’m glad you enjoyed what I thought of as a basic update to my family. Maybe I could get the hang of this writing thing yet.

      Thanks for reading!

  3. marinasleeps says:

    😦 My baby. I call him the baby but he is one big one year old who will be two next month. He is my last baby. I am currently trying to invent a machine that will pause time. Cause when he and me are just laying down, he always put his little head on my chest. I want that to happen for 20 more years too!

    • Kelly K says:

      Marina – I completely understand where you’re coming from. I want those snuggles to stay forever. I want that grin to remain. She’s my last baby too and I don’t know what I’ll do without those moments.

      Suddenly I comprehend while people keep having children…

      Thanks for reading.

  4. Pingback: Friday’s “What the frak?” moment: Airlines and Ridiculously Raised Rates | Dances with Chaos

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