Friday’s “What the frack?” moment: The Removal, Reexamination, Review, and Reinsertion or Rejection of Food

Friday’s “What the frack…?” moment (WTFM) is brought to you by……….

The Removal, Reexamination, Review, & Reinsertion or Rejection of Food: Because simply chewing and swallowing food is just too easy.  And one dimensional. And less messy…..

CG worked late tonight because he could.  I didn’t need him to grill.  I didn’t require him to accompany us out to eat because we lacked groceries to prepare anything other than pasta.

In my Supreme Status as Super Mom, I had prepared Italian Herb Chicken in the slow cooker this morning.

Yup, I’m awesome. A regular Donna Reed. Just ask the piles of laundry my son tossed over the balcony or the kitchen that desperately needs a mopping.

Ok, so maybe I’m a Work-In-Progress. But I digress.

My favorite things about slow cookers are: the longer it cooks the more tender it will be, meat you can cut with a fork is great for a 13 month old who is just cutting tooth number 7 and 8 (and thus lacks molars to chew), and you can feed the kids first, then prepare your plate and still have hot food to eat. At least in theory.

So it was just me and kiddos during dinner time.  The Tackler inhaled his portion like it was macaroni and cheese – despite protesting that he “didn’t want that” this morning while he aided me in dumping the ingredients into the slow cooker. No bribery or enticing required whatsoever.

Lil’ Diva also initially inhaled the mushrooms and chicken like they were her favored Crunchies.

Then something happened.

I don’t know what the catalyst was.  The cessation of a growling stomach? Finally attaining Full Awake Status following the late nap? Me mistakenly thinking, “Wow, dinner is a piece of cake tonight, even with CG gone?”

Okay. It was probably the latter.  I knew better.  It fits perfectly with last week’s “What the frack moment: The Telepathic Power of Progeny.”

The end result was: Lil Diva ceased the simple motions of: taking a bite of food, chewing as well as possible with only six and two halves of teeth, and then swallowing.

That was far too easy. And lacked the proper steps for How To Get Food Into My Hair.

So she implemented a new course of action:

A Four Step Process to Frustrating a Parent – How a 13 Month Old Experiences Food 

The resemblance is uncanny.

  1. Removal – After chewing several times, as many fingers as possible are thrust into the mouth as a mixture that resembles something The Fly would regurgitate is pulled forth.
  2. Reexamination – The slimy matter is then tested by: squishing it further until it oozes through the fingers, patted into the hair to test for conditioning properties, and smacked onto the tray to determine forensic splatter pattern.
  3. Review – After all of these important properties are assessed, the pros and cons are argued aloud in a language the parent does not understand.  A decision is reached.
  4. Reinsertion or Rejection – The now smeared, smashed, and slobbery substance is either Reinserted for swallowing purposes – having passed the stringent standards known only to her; or Rejected and either thrown at the perpetrator – who dared feed the 13 month old a food she happily consumed not thirty seconds prior – or deposited upon the floor with a simple waggle of the fingers.

On a night such as tonight, a fifth step was added: Repeat.

This continued a near infinite number of times (Reinsertion was the final answer the majority of the time) until two Rejections occurred back to back – which doubled the typical dinner eating time while venturing to see if Italian herb chicken was the new skin creme.

I’m at a loss. If The Tackler removed food from his mouth at this age, it never returned from whence it came.  It was always Rejected.

Thankfully, my food was still hot, thanks to My Friend the Slow Cooker.

Has anyone else had their child do this? Repeatedly?

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About Kelly K @ Dances with Chaos

Kelly K has learned the five steps to surviving of motherhood: 1) Don't get mad. Grab your camera. 2) Take a photograph. 3) Blog about it. 4) Laugh. 5) Repeat. She shares these tales at Dances with Chaos in order to preserve what tiny amount of sanity remains. You can also find her on her sister blog, Writing with Chaos (www.writingwithchaos.com) sharing memoir and engaging in her true love: fiction writing. It's cheaper than therapy.
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6 Responses to Friday’s “What the frack?” moment: The Removal, Reexamination, Review, and Reinsertion or Rejection of Food

  1. Vicky says:

    Oh yes! I think Toddler learning to feed herself is what finally decided me that 3 is the right number of children. I just cannot, will not do the messy bits again. My Toddler is now 19 months and now prefers eating to experimenting again. Perhaps because she is learning to drink from a real cup (a lidless, proper cup) and there is so much fun to be had with that instead…

  2. Kelly K says:

    Vicky – You are so brave. So fearful I was of the potential “explosion” factor my son could do with a lidless cup, he almost always drinks from a lidded cup with a straw – and he’s now 3.5. I have learned he is capable of drinking from a cup normally, but as he often leaves the cup out where Lil Diva can reach it, I keep the lids on..

    So this is normal? I know kids spit things out, but as I said, my son then Rejected the spit out material – rarely was it ever Reinserted.

    Thanks for reading!

  3. Mine were just chew, examine, and rejectors! The reinsertion is interesting and I think it just indicates highly advanced critical thinking skills. She decided it needed to come out but then upon further refection and careful examination changed her mind and switched courses. This will all surely lead to loads of college acceptance letters.

    Amy

    • Kelly K says:

      Oh Amy.. I needed that laugh.

      My daughter definitely beats to her own drum…

      Let’s hope it does mean high advanced critical skills and not just constant indecision, which would lead to her majoring in every field and taking twelve years to graduate…. 🙂

  4. mc6pack says:

    Great description of this process. The hair test is essential. I’ve noticed that in those reality cooking shows, the judges always take a little bit and smear it on top of their heads.

    Tax Credit #4 skips steps 1-3 and just starts rejecting. It’s his subtle way of saying, “Thank you, but I’m stuffed and couldn’t possibly partake in even one more bite.”

    Great stuff, Kelly.

    • Kelly K says:

      Chase – I have yet to determine whether I am blessed or cursed in having children with “good appetites.” Lil’ Diva with also follow TC#4′s lead when either A) she is full or B) wishes to seed the floor with After a While Snacks. And by After a While, I mean as soon as she is released from the chair.

      I suspect she wishes to further understand the plight of our ancestors who did not have grocery stores and is therefore “hunting and gathering.” Because if you “catch” it, it tastes better.

      And yes, the hair test is a vital step, not to be skipped.

      I believe that is how hair conditioner was discovered.

      Glad you enjoyed it!

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