This is a true recounting of the Dawn of the Day of the Zombie Mommy. It relays a 13 hour battle to find the cure.
12:13 AM – Crawl into bed exhausted from a very full, yet very fun day (Lil’ Diva’s Birthday Party).
1:01 AM – Eventually fall asleep after trying to hack up lung thanks to The Cough.
2:12 AM – Woken up by screaming Lil Diva. CG gets up to calm her. I get up to use bathroom and get a drink for throat.
2:20 AM – Walk back into bedroom and see CG laying there while Lil Diva screams from pack ‘n play that is tucked away in our closet while my mom visits. He mutters something about her having a game in the crib with her. I am confused. I pick her up and we waltz. She dozes off, I lay her down, she immediately wakes up again.
2:31 AM – I recline on the bed with Lil Diva laying on my chest. She screams for a bit (CG next to me in bed doesn’t move, either asleep or fearful if he shows signs of life I’ll play tag team and make him “it.”
2:44 AM – Lil Diva finally falls asleep and I use legs as counterweight to extricate myself out of bed with her on my chest. I lay her down. She stays asleep this time.
2:?? AM – I fall asleep sometime before 3.
6:30 AM – I wake up. Kids are asleep. Move as little as possible to prevent coughing fit and go back to sleep.
7:20 AM – A large thump awakens me. I see the hall light on. The Tackler is up and had jumped off the bin he uses to turn on the light. I warn him not to jump anymore or he’ll flatten Mimi’s Famous Sticky Rolls. I’m so exhausted I tell him to be a good boy and play quietly I go back to bed while he plays with his trains.
7:30 AM – Poke CG in side and say “By the way, Tackler is up.” CG grunts. I doze off.
8:30 AM – I wake up to delicious smell of Mimi’s Famous Sticky Rolls baking. Stomach growls. Body protests movement and says “SLEEP” despite around 7 hours acquired. I roll over and go back to sleep.
9 AM – I’m jarred out of an uncharacteristically deep sleep (usually the quietest noises wake me up). Mimi and The Tackler are in the bedroom carrying a plate of sticky rolls for me, which in my comatose state, I nearly knock onto the floor. Mimi explains they were getting cold and she’d thought I’d want some, thus disregarding 19 years experience of having me live under her roof, where the rule is “UNLESS I TELL YOU TO DO SO, NEVER wake me up.”
“But you are always wake up when sticky rolls are baking because you usually smell them.”
I grunt something unintelligible, which had I been awake enough to form words would’ve said, “I did smell them. The fact that I DID NOT come down with the scent of your Famous Sticky Rolls piercing the air, should tell you that I AM VERY TIRED and should not be disturbed.”
With Mimi’s Famous Sticky Rolls in front of my face, my stomach forces me downstairs before it mutinies (because these are not exactly bedroom friendly food). I do my Night of Living Dead walk downstairs and open the fridge to get some milk.
9:05 AM – Balloon weights (and the balloons they are attached to) attack me as they plummet to the floor from the top of the fridge (after being precariously placed the previous night in the one place the cats can’t get to to eat the strings and then barf them up).
9:06 AM – My brain finally processes what happened at 9:05 AM. I continue to get my milk and sit down to devour Mimi’s Famous Sticky Rolls, even though they flattened during the night: either from my stomping in frustration at Lil Diva’s unwillingness to go back to sleep (as we were right above the rising rolls), or The Tackler’s early morning jumping.
9:10 AM – I get seconds. The flatness doesn’t hurt their taste.
9:13 AM – I polish off the fourth sticky roll.
9:14 AM – The Tackler does the third thing in a row of Button Pushing And Directly Disobeying Me and I snap and greatly overact – as if I’d had about two hours of sleep and not seven.
9:15 AM – I apologize to The Tackler as CG threatens me with a time out. I realize I am not myself today.
9:20 AM – Lil Diva pounces on me and demands food. I nurse her.
9:27 AM – I finish nursing Kyra and announce that I need to go back to bed. My body and my brain are barely working as I walk upstairs. I have that I Need To Sleep Because If I Don’t I WILL Get Sick(er) And Mommies Don’t Get Sick Days Feeling.
9:30 AM – I finally crawl back into bed.
10:?? AM – I eventually doze off following multiple attacks of The Cough that endeavored to expel my liver and pancreas.
Noon – I open my eyes and find the bedroom door open. The last two hours were spent fading in and out of consciousness. Each time I opened my eyes, my appendages refused to move. So I’d go back to sleep.
I take the open door as a message from CG: Get Your Butt Out of Bed NOW. I cough. I get dressed.
I get scolded by CG for nearly waking up Lil Diva, as he’d apparently been laying her down and that is what woke me up. I explain I had no idea, as the bathroom doors were Open not Closed which is the sign that Lil Diva Is Sleeping There.
12:06 PM– I down the sweet elixir of life, aka Mountain Dew.
12:10 PM – I contemplate drinking another. I decide against it because don’t need the calories in addition to Mimi’s Famous Sticky Rolls.
12:11 PM – I really really really want that Dew as I’m still very groggy.
12:20 PM – I attempt to take a shower but get sucked into engineering the perfect train track layout which uses almost all pieces of track and almost no dead ends. The Tackler’s plot works and I want to buy more tracks.
1 PM – I start my shower as I still have that I Am Not Really Awake Yet Feeling.
1:03 PM – The Tackler bursts into the guest bathroom where I am showering (as Kyra is sleeping in our closet off our bathroom) and informs me he has to pee. This reinforces the fact there is never any privacy as a mother. Ever. Luckily he is quick and I take the time to praise him for using the potty. He actually listens when I tell him to shut the door behind him.
1:25 PM – I finally emerge feeling as though I have joined the Land of the Living for the first time today.
1:27 PM – I am human again.