Finding the Missing Piece of Me and the Belated Two Year Blogoversary

Life has been a bit of a haze.

My son age 2.

The Tackler, age 2, in honor of the belated blogoversary.

Thanks to my sabbatical/hiatus from blogging, my two year blogoversary passed by without so much as a post or comment.

Two years of blogging.

It doesn’t seem possible.

That means my children have gone from this:

My children in July 2010

July 2010

To this:

My children one year ago

July 2011

And now this:

July 2012

July 2012 – And no, Lil Diva has not yet had a hair cut. My son also spent a day part cyborg.

The Tackler has transformed from a three-and-a-half-year-old I wanted to send to boot camp every day to…. a five-and-half-year-old I only want to send to boot camp once or twice a week. His Good versus Evil switch still exists. Days can be amazing and wonderful, or make me reconsider not having alcohol in the house.

He is still known to tackle his sister.

Lil Diva has gone from a teething crawler, to a little girl capable of keeping up with her bigger brother. She walked, climbed, and talked early and has paid careful attention to her brother. His catch phrases and complaints are now hers.

Monkey see, monkey do.

She is also capable of tackling him. Or turning on the tears even when her brother is on a different floor and saying, “He hit me!”

Payback.

My son is still the bane of most teachers, though a few had children like him and “get” him. He begins public kindergarten in the fall and I have no idea how that will turn out.

Lil Diva charms every teacher, saving all of the drama for me. They all want to take her home.

This blog began with the terrors of potty training The Tackler.

Lil Diva has been sort-of-potty-training for over a year.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Unlike my son who never displayed a single urge to use the toilet, she does. So I wait for the day she decides panties are better than diapers.

Waiting… waiting.

I’ve transformed from a gym junkie trying to lose baby weight to forcing myself to go, so out-of-the-habit I’ve become with my To Do List.

I’ve gone from two kids napping, to neither.

From writing every day, to every weekday, to almost two months of silence.

I have a confession to make.

It taught me a valuable lesson.

I need writing.

It is an outlet for me and without it I somehow became less-than-me. A small piece, left to stagnate, and the rest of me fell into disrepair. Things I enjoyed ceased their allure. Stress ate at me. The smiles diminished. The extrovert in me withered and I only wanted to be alone. The stories in my head dried up.

The more I stayed offline, the easier it became. I stopped reading emails, blogs, twitter, and facebook. I didn’t know how to come back. I sat countless times, a funny story about my children at my fingertips, but couldn’t bring myself to type the words.

They weren’t the right ones.

They were not what I wanted to say.

Why did my two year blogoversary whimper by?

Because I didn’t care.

I didn’t want to paste on a happy face and pretend, because it is not who I am as a person. I am honest and blunt to the point of annoyance to many, and to be fake with a “Whoohoo! Two year blogoversary!” would be the height of hypocrisy.

I despise hypocrisy.

I have not been happy, but it took a while to realize it. Much of the cause I have no control over, which I hate. The helplessness.

I can control how I cope with it and now I know writing has to be a part of it.

I wondered if I should go to Canada this year. The excitement, the glee I danced with a year ago was missing.

All the signs pointed at me to stay home.

And even when I arrived, I doubted.

Things I hoped and wished to happen, didn’t. Things anticipated and planned altered again by life beyond my control.

I wanted to cry.

I did.

Then I visited this:

Taken on August 9th while visiting Lake Louise & Agnes in Canada

Not pictured: the sound of the glacial water trickling down through the rocks behind me.

There is something magical and healing about the mountains.

It helped me find myself again.

It opened the floodgates of writing, blocked for so long.

Life looks different.

Joy over the simple things—sleeping in, writing on a deck, or inhaling the breeze—has returned.

Seeing my children grin over Skype as we video chat and they show me their pictures brought a full smile, not the pasted-on variety.

I hope, once the mountains are far away and I’m back in the 100 degree weather, I can carry their magic with me. Because somehow it makes everything possible.

Writing a book, doing the 4.79 millionth load of laundry, accepting things you can’t change, or potty training a Diva.

I can always have an awesome blog bash next year.

And hopefully celebrate the end of potty training.

* * *

So enough about me, how are y’all doing?

Linked up with:

About Kelly K @ Dances with Chaos

Kelly K has learned the five steps to surviving of motherhood: 1) Don't get mad. Grab your camera. 2) Take a photograph. 3) Blog about it. 4) Laugh. 5) Repeat. She shares these tales at Dances with Chaos in order to preserve what tiny amount of sanity remains. You can also find her on her sister blog, Writing with Chaos (www.writingwithchaos.com) sharing memoir and engaging in her true love: fiction writing. It's cheaper than therapy.
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13 Responses to Finding the Missing Piece of Me and the Belated Two Year Blogoversary

  1. Annie says:

    I so relate. It’s been 1 year and 8 months for me. I have had those days when the thought of going to the computer to blog seems like “work” and I just can’t make myself do it. I’ve found that my enthusiasm cycles in and out. The thought of deleting the blog has crossed my mind multiple times a week.

    Like you though, I find I have to write. I just have to. :) We just need our batteries recharged from time to time…and that TAKES time.

    • I always enjoy reading your posts, even when they are sporadic. I’ve been a horrible reader for commenting as that also went by the wayside.

      Know that your words speak to me too.

      If you have to write, then do, just do it for you, not for the reader, so it doesn’t become work.

      Thanks for listening.

  2. So honest. Sometimes we all need a break and something that makes us realize why we do it all. So glad you got rejuvenated during your vacation. The photo is beautiful… I can only imagine what seeing that view makes you feel.

    • It’s like I can breathe again and I want to absorb the sounds, scents, and view into every pore.

      It is peace, like being a child and having your mother rock you to sleep.

      it is quiet, and suddenly I can hear myself again.

      If that makes any sense.

      When I began this blog over two years ago, it was just a few weeks after returning from a trip to Colorado. My normal days were stressed as I struggled with having two mobile children, one learning to walk, one constantly tackling/pushing/bumping the one learning to walk. I couldn’t pee without my daughter ending up crying from his actions.

      Then we went to Colorado and saw this:a Keystone sunset

      I could breathe again. I knew I needed an outlet and began to blog.

  3. Oh Kel! I knew you were a bit low, but I didn’t realize just how overwhelmed you were. As Heidi exclaimed: “I knew the mountains would make you well! I knew they would make you well!”

    And I’m sure hanging out with Shirtsleeves helped, too.

    Happy 2nd blogoversary.

    Better late than never.

  4. Wayne says:

    It is amazing how each child is so distinctly different and then you get the moment and its hits you…yeah, they are siblings. Happy blogiversaey!

  5. staciegh says:

    Hi, I just found your blog through Pour Your Heart Out. This is my first time participating, I love finding all these new wonderful blogs! Happy Blogiversary!!

  6. hanelene says:

    Welcome back. I am trying to find my groove again too, and the only mountains here are dry canyons… There is beauty in that – just not when you are homesick for green. Thanks for the inspiration.

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